Snake Oil
Yes Dear
When I work with clients one of the most frequent subjects I get asked about is relationships. “When will I find one? Where is my soulmate? What do I need to do to help my current relationship? Should I stay in my current situation or find something better? Will I always be alone?” This aspect of life often doesn’t match our ideal and it’s frequently packed with at least some challenge. Most relationships fall somewhere between almost perfect or on the other end seriously toxic. I once had a female client who was uncomfortable and embarrassed about being controlled by her possessive, dominating boyfriend. We discussed possible solutions and she decided it might help if he came to see me. Aside from being in denial about whether he was controlling at all, and he really was, he tried to manipulate and control me during our session. It was not a successful attempt and he left likely thinking, and telling her “I was not qualified.” There is unquestionably a need to prioritize healthy compromise in any relationship. It is important to recognize that when one does commit to a mate, to some extent the partner needs to be a higher priority than friends, family, or even children. The bond needs to be strong for a relationship to thrive, but choosing a healthy mate in the first place is tremendously important. A bad choice can have extremely bad repercussions for ourselves and those around us. Many of us will at some point go through the lesson of choosing a toxic, dominating partner who may pull us away from family, friends and what is best for our personal happiness. While a good mate can be very beneficial we still need other people and a healthy support circle. The fantasy of “the two of us leaving everything behind and moving into a little cabin cut off from the world” rarely, if ever, works out.
My first encounter with a manipulative mate was back when I was about twenty two. She was not actually my mate though. I had a best friend for about two years named Matt. He was two years younger than me and he had a cousin named Tammy who he was very close to. We all hung out often, smoked a bit of weed, ate pizza, and went to a lot of concerts, typical of late teens, early twenties stuff in the late eighties. I saw amazing groups like Pink Floyd, Rush, Yes, and the Fixx with Tammy and Matt. It was a wonderful period in my life. Matt met a girl at his job named Maryanne. He was head over heels in love and thrilled by his first real girlfriend. She was in good shape, pretty, but had a bit of a hard not to notice controlling side. I worried I might be too judgmental about her, but something was off. Weeks into their relationship she was pregnant and she and Matt decided to get married. All of our friends actually had a good time at their rushed wedding a few months later, but we did place odd bets humorously on how long it would last. We did not share that sarcastic appraisal with Matt, as he was really happy and we didn’t want to ruin that. The party was rushed, a bit cheesy, with a lot of eighties music, and Matt did his share of a popular drug at that time. We saw a lot less of Matt during his wife's pregnancy but he invited us over to see the new baby months later when she was about three months old. Maryann was visibly annoyed that we were at the apartment and seemingly annoyed that we existed in the first place. The baby was super cute and Matt was a proud dad, but clearly Maryanne hated me and Tammy for some reason.
Weeks later Tammy called me to share that Maryann had forbade Matt to see either of us anymore. She threatened to leave him with the baby if he stayed friends with us. It was bad enough to block him from seeing me, but also the cousin who was like his sister was something truly ugly. I had never encountered this type of controlling type of individual before. Matt was submissive to her request. Tammy filled me in on bits and pieces she heard over the next two years. Inevitably Maryanne gained a lot of weight understandably while she was pregnant, but was lax in taking it off and gained quite a bit more weight. Matt worked two jobs so she could be a stay at home mom. About two years later Maryanne got pregnant by another guy she was having an affair with and then filed for divorce from Matt. I saw Matt after his ordeal when he came to my job to apologize for losing me as a friend and how he treated Tammy and me. I was impressed by his willingness to own all of it and I did forgive him, but things had changed and we hardly saw each other after that. About a year later I left NY and moved to Phoenix.
There were many times over the years when I saw both manipulative controlling men, but also women. It didn’t matter whether they were male or female, gay or straight, but universal anger themes about “who you are flirting with,” making the partner lose touch with friends and family, isolating them, playing on guilt, and even mild stalking were things I sadly saw too often. When I was about fourteen I was first exposed to a physically angry woman when I saw my friend Richie's mom punch her husband in the face though their kitchen window. Richie told me it was normal. I had a client for a few years who was a psychologist herself but was with an abusive man who got so angry at her for both real and imagined slights. He locked her in their basement for four days as punishment. When I was working as a waiter in my early twenties I became close friends with one of the waiters, a truly sweet, handsome, young nineteen year old named Nick. He had dreams of going to school to be a pilot. He talked about his dream often with excitement. Weeks later he got his girlfriend pregnant and decided to marry her and take on another job so they could live in a small basement apartment to raise the child. A noble thing to do and he clearly loved her, but his plans to go to school and to be a pilot went out the window. He took on a second job cleaning houses with his fiancé. I could see sadness in his eyes about abandoning his dream, but he was also truly in love. She inevitably made him quit the restaurant and I never saw Nick again.
Over the years I have seen quite a bit of controlling stuff in the arena of relationships. I had a client who was a regular for about a year. There was extra excitement on her part when I did a Tarot reading for her that showed her meeting an air sign male. She met an Aquarius man a few months later and married soon after. She and her spouse got involved in relationship coaching. I even saw him once and he was impressed with my skills until he read a column I wrote that mentioned God, All That Is, and he was outraged. He was a devout atheist and told her that “this kind of talk is nonsense,” and forbid her to see me for sessions, and to be removed from my mailing list. A milder funny example is when a very attractive, one time client of mine met her “soulmate” and seemed very happy. He was a good guy and quite devoted to her. When I saw pictures of him on social media in a hideous pink and peach sweater uncomfortably posing in a field of flowers, I suspected that while she probably loved that picture, his eyes portrayed another sense. It looked like every ounce of his masculinity was forced out of his body.
Almost two decades ago I became friends with a late twenties, in shape, vegan, attractive, old soul named Lars. We inevitably worked together in a restaurant when I was in my early thirties and pretty much became like brothers. I really got along well with Lars and I saw him as my little brother from another mother. An old girlfriend of his named Phyllis, who was a few years older than Lars, moved back to the valley after they were estranged for about three years. She was an energetic, lean, attractive woman with frizzy blonde hair and well educated. Phyllis was about as far left politically as one could possibly be. She was a bit of a hippie chick who fought with her more conservative parents often. She attended every left wing march, women's rights, Bernie Rallies, pro LGBTQ rights, and even had a thing for rescuing animals. Unfortunately her and Lars relationship was toxic. She stalked him, they fought often, and he retaliated by dating a stripper to make her nuts. I did a reading for her by her request and suggested that if Lars was meant to be in her life the crazy fighting needed to stop and she should trust they would find a way to come together. She was not happy with my advice.
I saw a bit of Phyllis’s anger surface a few times, and while she was a very loving, caring person, I often could see some questionable over reactions to even minor things. Lars came to my apartment in a state of extreme worry. He had gotten her pregnant during the peak of their wars and she was adamant about having the baby. He confided in me that he was seriously thinking of running away, even changing his name, and starting his life over. This was how uncomfortable he was with the extremes and her at times scary behavior. I suggested he could co-parent without them being together but I thought the running away plan was not workable. He left my place still shaken up, then called the next day to invite me to their wedding! Phyllis was about four months pregnant for their backyard wedding and was somewhat cordial to me, but actually never spoke to me at the wedding, and also after they moved in together. She was still angry about me telling her to stop stalking him. The wedding was cheesy and rushed and I had flashbacks to years earlier when I was at a similar wedding. I was proud of myself for not suggesting they play the song White Wedding by Billie Idol, a bit of Sagittarius restraint on my part! Instead they played a lot of mostly eighties songs they both loved. While the wedding seemed bizarre, it was still kind of fun. This time I did not verbalize to anyone about how long I thought their would last, but the Deja Vu was trippy. Their parents were left to clean up after the backyard wedding. Lars and Phyllis climbed into the car to drive away to their honeymoon theatrically to a song they both apparently bonded over years before when they first met, “Get Out of My Dreams, Get Into My Car” by Billie Ocean.
After some months of me still talking to Lars somewhat or grabbing lunch, Phyllis wanting nothing to do with me. Finally things changed when she had little Bess. Phyllis asked Lars to contact me to come see the baby while she was in the hospital. Phyllis and I hugged and never discussed any of it. I made an internal vow to keep the peace and to even get to know Phyllis to keep my friendship with Lars strong. Bess grew up and a few years late they had another little girl named Georgette. Bess often challenged her mother and made Phyllis crazy. Bess was smart and humorously called her mom Phyllis instead of mother. She was very grounded and while she clearly loved her mom, she seemed to know Phyllis was a bit nuts. For almost fifteen years I was part of the family. Most holidays, and usually twice a month I would hang out at their home. I saw the kids in plays, sporting events, we bought each other gifts and I was very much a part of all of their lives. Both Bess and Georgette called me Uncle Jim. It was really nice being part of that family. I even got to be friends with Phyllis too. Lars got really sick when the kids were still very young and his loyal wife Phyllis stuck by his side through a very rough ordeal. Thankfully he healed, but Phyllis was left always terrified of Lars getting sick again and became quite a bit of a hypochondriac.
I knew they both really loved their kids dearly and were good parents, but I always thought they were a little too focused giving the kids whatever they wanted. Both were very far to the left in their politics and parenting approach, but it was never my place to comment so I didn’t. Lars opened his own Pilates studio and did fairly well in his business. He was a chronic pot smoker though. Even to the point of smoking weed while making his coffee each morning. It was a little extreme for me, but he handled it and I thought it worked for him, maybe even masking some childhood trauma. Phyllis either joined in from time to time or angrily fought him on it. Yet while Lars was at times a bit cheesy, he clearly loved being a dad. One of the cheesiest things he would ritually do was watch ET the Extraterrestrial every year with the kids. He especially loved the song Turn on Your Heart Light by Neil Diamond. He would ask me to sing it when I did karaoke at times and often requested the song to be played by Alexa when I was over at the house. A truly stupid song, but my buddy loved it and I saw it as one of his weird but still likable quirks. I thought that even though they fought a lot he was still fairly happy. But Lars did have this fascination with aliens and often talked and read books about alien abductions. I half joked that maybe he longed to be abducted and taken away!
Phyllis was always coming up with schemes for a new business or side hustle while she also prioritized being there for her kids. Following through on those plans was often a problem. She was a great cook, especially desserts and decided to market her treats first from home, and then hopefully a small shop with her specialties, trifles and designer donuts. To her credit she was really talented and her desserts were delicious. I made suggestions for marketing but she didn’t want to hear most of them. I went to college for advertising art and marketing, so usually people appreciated my insight. After weeks of work, see was ready to begin sales and excitedly showed me her design logo. Phyllis had a notable theatrical side in her younger years doing plays, singing, and doing interpretive dance. She had a stage name she went by in college and high school; Sassy. She thought it was better to go with Sassy because it was a “cooler name than Phyllis,” for her new business. She came up with “Sassy’s Trifles, and Designer Donuts.” The problem was the amount of work required to make those spectacular desserts, making a profit, refrigeration, delivery. When I told her that people might also think of something not so pleasant when seeing her logo because when shortened it was ST-DD. That insight made her furious with me. She for some reason blamed me for not telling her sooner, but she wouldn’t let me in on her plans, how could I warn her?
A few weeks later the Covid scare came along. Both Lars and Phyllis shut down their businesses like most of us were told to do to “flatten the curve for two weeks.” I saw Lars for what turned out to be the last time a few weeks into the Covid Shit show. I intuitively felt that when he left my home it would be the last time I saw him. He was scared about passing along the virus to any of his clients or his family. I wondered if after almost twenty years of friendship if he ever heard anything I taught him about illness and that it was always multilayered, not random and we were not powerless over it. At the same time I also understood his fear. My family and many of my friends went info fear mode and wore the masks, stayed inside, avoided people, obsessively wiped things down, and followed all the crazy rules. Thankfully one by one, most of my friends started waking up after a few months and began to see how some of these well-meaning suggestions, and fear tactics from the media were mostly ludicrous. Not surprisingly, Phyllis dived into every cliche, ranting about staying at home, how everyone needed to be vaxxed, posting on social media sites about how selfish the rest of us were to go outside, yelling at other people about their noses popping out of their masks, and the ultimate crime of not staying at home and getting food delivered like they “responsibly were.” So much for the makers of the food and delivery people though, I guess they were expendable. Even after almost two years of all the extremes from both right and the left perspectives i observed she would still post passionately on Facebook about how “This will never end because of all the anti vaxers, and non-mask wearers were killing everyone.” My trips to Vegas when it reopened probably made her think I was selfish. I am guessing my posts about how I was not getting pulled into any of this fear and would continue to use natural holistic methods for handling all of it made her head explode. She inevitably unfriended me and blocked me as well on social media. She either made Lars do the same or he chose to for his own reasons.
It would be dishonest to claim that I have never done anything cruel to a friend or a mate. In my teen years I was at times jealous, possessive, and even punished a few friends by making my other friends stop talking and hanging out with them when they did not follow “Jim’s rules.” Still, I left all of that behavior behind in my late teens, and it was behavior I was not proud of in my history. I never have made romantic partners give up family or friends, so seeing this behavior from a fifty year old woman was startling to say the least. But this is what obsessive fear will do, and the Covid years really heightened some very dark things in human behavior. The need for compromise and to prioritize a partners needs are absolutely a necessity for any relationship to grow and thrive. Still, when a mate makes you abandon family and friends, isolates you and puts you into incredibly uncomfortable situations, it is wise to examine whether the relationship is positive and worth staying committed to. This is clearly a major lesson in the human experience. Life and relationships change, and sometimes they even blow up to propel necessary growth. I resisted the martyr game of “did they ever even care about me theatrics,” they unquestionably did care about me. The fear they were sold in the media was just something they could not overcome. A better conclusion for me is that I am in a wiser, more balanced place, and while I have fond memories of those friendships, anyone including friends or family with those extreme levels of fear are no longer a good fit for me. Growing sometimes means leaving people behind.
2-2024 Jim Ventura
Notes
While I enjoyed writing this column, and have wanted to talk about this subject for quite some time, it may be the longest column piece I have ever written! I had to edit out a lot of other representative cases. Sadly there have been so many examples of the craziness that I have observed over the years, often a part of relationships. While I always change the actual names of my characters, some details (including a bit of wise ass added humor, and I did quite a bit in this one!) of my stories are based on real experiences. I purposely went into a bit of detail about obsessive behavior during the Covid years for many reasons. I knew many people that were tossed aside by friends or family for having the “wrong point of view.” The sometimes sanctimonious theatrics were heavier on the left, but the extremes of some conspiracy theories on the far right got a bit bizarre and judgmental as well. For me as an old soul, I saw from the beginning that so much of the fear and “what you should do” felt intuitively like other periods in our human history. This one was a scientific version of crazy. While modern scientific perspectives have only been around for a few hundred years, religious extremist equivalents have been around for centuries. I will go into this in more detail in a future column but forcing a person to do something and taking away choice is one of the main components for creating karmic ribbons that must inevitably be burned in this life or another. And while I focused on some of the real negatives that may surface in relationship, it is important to also remember that there are many positive aspects of what healthy relationships can bring into our lives. When true love is present without the need for obsessive control it can make our lives more fulfilling and impact people all around us in positive ways. In Druid tradition the spring equinox is the time of “Reception of Wisdom” and May first is known as the Beltane, or the time of the Lovers!
I launched a sophisticated, informative new site last month at BuyMeaCoffee.com. You can find my posts there at BuyMeaCoffee.com/Venturawora. (and yes this is not a misprint) This is going to be the place for the best of all my past material (columns, and videos) as well as the first place I will always launch new material. It will contain some of my navigational techniques for living your most empowered life. There will be new adds and many of the techniques I have learned that really work and shared with regular and semi-regular clients over the years. There is no cost to check out my 2-3 times a month posts. There is also an option to buy me a coffee or two (hence the name) feature where you can do just that if you feel the pull for any reason. There is also an option currently for only a $60 a year donation that you will get you on my Coffee followers mailing list for extra navigational tips, and insight directly emailed to you each month. It will also allow you to book personal sessions at any time for the heavily discounted quarterly regular client rates! You can book the sessions as much or as little as you choose and also buy gift sessions for friends and family at those rates. I will also be starting an every other month radio show just for followers on the coffee site where you can listen or call in and ask questions about any type of metaphysical subject with me and also just enjoy a virtual chat and hang-out.
The new year seems to be off to a great start for me, and seemingly for a lot of people around me. I like the vibe so far of this year of the wood dragon and number 8. You can check out my video post about all of this on my YouTube channel. You can cut and paste the link here in a browser.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uM8zRvbueNw&t=67s
So far of all of my social media channels Tik Tok has the strongest following. About twice a month I post animal totem videos and explanations about what spirit animals and guides are all about. You can find me at Animalspeaks there if interested.
The winter was a cold and rainy one. As much as I enjoyed the retreat inward, and truly ran with it like never before, with lots of benefits, I am happy to see signs of spring! Wishing everyone some cool vibes as the spring season commences. Cheers, Jim V
3-2024
“Only as far as a man is happily married to himself is he fit for married life and family life in general.” Novalis
New Client Special 2024
January 1st thru October 31 St., 2024 Special:
$10-15 off listed rates for your first 45 minute session, 70, or 90 minute session! Debit and credit card payments get $10 off for 45, 70, and 90 minute sessions. Local in-office clients can get an extra $5 off for cash or check payments for sessions. If you want to buy a new client a thoughtful gift of a session for a friend or family member you can also take advantage of these rates!
“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.” Mahatma Gandhi
Channeled corner. I read many, many books from different trance channelers in the 80s, 90s, and early 2000s. Unfortunately many of them are now out of print, but I still have a huge collection and will share some of the best material I have collected over the years.
Learn to enjoy Change
“In your society, you are born in an atmosphere of fear surrounding the experience of birth. Many, if not all of you, unconsciously use fear as a motivator in your life. You wait until situations become fearful-indeed, even make them fearful-in order to motivate yourselves to change. Now, it is a kind of addiction, and I would recommend that you become conscious of it. Then, as you experience the drama and struggle you create for yourselves, be conscious that you are choosing your reality and that you can choose to change and move without creating suffering and consequent fear to get you to do it.
We urge you then to be innocent about your desires for change and to remember that change on the planet, which is in constant motion, creating night and day, creating the seasons, is natural, so you need not wait until you have a great deal of fear motivating you to make change. You can consciously and innocently seek change, knowing that it does not need to create separation, hurt, and pain for others or for yourself when you do it consciously and innocently. Then you can let go of using fear as the motivator and instead use joy and aliveness as the motivator. Once you use joy to motivate you to action, feeling the joy in your body actually creates your feeling more alive, vitalized, and motivated to act.
So, because these are so wired from your early experiences when your parents told you, ‘you must do this or else,’ and you experienced fear and anger and then acted upon it, you think you have to have those emotions to get into motion. No! It is just your thought, based upon your past experience, that creates those connections. And you can easily begin to choose to act from joy and know it is innocent for you to be joyful without having to be angry or fearful.
Both men and women have come to believe that the physical has cycles of pleasure and pain. Often you use pain to get pleasure and then begin to fear pleasure because you think you will then have pain. How to get over that? Stop creating pain to get pleasure, and you will release the belief that once you have pleasure you must have pain. You will learn to surrender into greater and greater experiences of pleasure and life and joy on a regular basis. You cannot shift into a millennium of peace while holding the thought of the pleasure/pain cycle...”
Seth Channeled by Jane Roberts
Snake Oil Radio
Thursdays at 3:30 pm (there will be two live broadcasts this period)
My next live broadcast of Snake Oil Radio will be Thursday, March 21st at 3:30 p.m. mountain (Phoenix) time. This 45 minute show will expand on my current column’s subject matter. It will also offer an opportunity for you to chat with other listeners in the chat room with comments and your thoughts about the topic of discussion. If you miss the live show, you can catch any of my previously recorded shows on the website’s archive. You can also catch Snake Oil Radio on iTunes and similar locations for podcasts.
To hear a live show, all you need to do is be at a computer and tuned into: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/Jim-Ventura or on your phone. You may also access it by going to the site and type “Snake Oil” into the search option. You can also go to the shows that are currently “On air” at that time and find me. The call in number is 646-200-3966 for questions and comments IF the show is offering that (please check, many of my column shows don’t).
“You are never alone or helpless. The force that guides the stars guides you too.” Prabhat Ranjan
“To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.” Oscar Wilde
Here’s my contact information to make an appointment for a session, or information on current classes: Email: Venturasag@yahoo.com (BEST method for contact).
text only: (602) 349-0746 Phone calls: (602) 957-3035
Information about the different sessions and types of readings, classes and services, past Snake Oil columns, and how to order my books and audio CD’s can be found at my website: http://JimVentura.com.
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I have a few other media channels other than my monthly radio shows and FaceBook:
Subscribe to my YouTube Channel (approximately once a month 6-12 minute videos) at J Ventura Snake Oil.
Instagram at Venturawords ( Astrology updates and other insight on short 90 second reels)
Tik Tok (animalspeaks) where I do short but powerful 2-5 minute videos about how to use animal totems and spirit animals!
All personal sessions/readings for 2024 are: Full (70 minutes) $120.00; Shorter session (45 minutes) $90.00; Extended session (90 minutes) $145.00 (Two people can split an extended session back to back for $150.00 total although no other discounts will apply). Mini phone session 20 minutes $40. Email me for information about my Regular Client Program for even bigger discounts on session prices with the added benefit of monthly or quarterly check-ins. Purchasing 3 prepaid sessions also brings sizable discounts. Some examples; 3 prepaid 45 minute monthly sessions is $155 total or about $52 a session. 3 prepaid quarterly 70 minute session are $245 or about $82 a session.
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